


The Sin of Love (Good Omens Crowley x fem!reader)

by Magicrow



Category: Good Omens (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst and Tragedy, Caring Aziraphale (Good Omens), Comforting Aziraphale (Good Omens), Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fluffy Ending, Hurt, Hurt Crowley (Good Omens), Hurt/Comfort, I Don't Even Know, I Tried, Miscarriage, Pain, Soft Aziraphale (Good Omens)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-02
Updated: 2020-02-02
Packaged: 2021-02-27 20:02:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,210
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22531414
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Magicrow/pseuds/Magicrow
Summary: The reader's life is going down the drain and that description  is a rather lighthearted euphemism. After Crowley left her and after the  loss of her unborn child she doesn't think she has enough energy for  any form of interaction anymore but goes to visit Aziraphale anyway.  Only to be confronted with the red haired demon, the last person she  wanted to see today. (I'm shitty with summaries, I’m sorry)Warnings: addresses post-miscarriage feelings/pain, a few swearwords,  self-inflicting pain (pounding head against sth,...), very angsty (I  think/tried?)Category: Angst and hurt, a somewhat fluffy ending?
Relationships: Crowley (Good Omens) & Reader, Crowley (Good Omens)/Reader
Comments: 7
Kudos: 65





	The Sin of Love (Good Omens Crowley x fem!reader)

**Author's Note:**

> Note: The reader is a legal adult but a concrete age isn’t mentioned. (probably in her twenties?)  
> Note 2: I hope I was able to describe this topic respectfully and as accurate as possible... If someone notices a mature flaw or any inaccuracies please tell me.  
> Note 3: English is not my native language, please be considering.  
> Note 4: I also have a tumblr now! (magicrowiswritingstuff)

The numbing feeling in your heart spread to your head as you walked through the busy streets of London, eyes fixed on the pavement below. No one seemed to notice you and for the first time in your life you were absolutely grateful for being invisible to everyone. Your mind was blank, you felt empty. It was getting harder and harder for you to proceed because every step required a lot of strength from you. When you had decided to finally leave your apartment after days you thought you would be capable but apparently you were not. At first you just had to tell yourself you could do it, no matter what over and over again. Just carry on, just walk. But after a while you had to pay close attention to lifting up your foot, move it forward and set it down like you were just learning how to walk.

_Up, forward, down. Repeat._   
_Again and again and again and again._

The simple task of walking down a street was demanding to you. It was draining you already low energy level even more. The past few days you weren’t sleeping much because you had too much on your mind to relax, because the numbness and guilt inside you was eating you up from the inside and made you have nightmares whenever your body failed you. Nightmares you couldn’t bear. It always ended the same. It always ended with tears and even more pain. You sighted and tried to focus on your legs.

_Up, forward, down. Repeat._   
_Again and again and again and again._

Suddenly you bummed into some random pedestrian who made you flinch and drop your book. They didn't stop, they didn't even notice you. You were still invisible to them. Sighting you kneeled down, picked the book up and forced yourself to stand once again. Your eyes were glued to the book you were holding with trembling hands but your vision was far too blurry to make out any words that were written on the cover. The only thing you could see were vivid colors that didn’t even seem to belong to the book. Many other pedestrians walked around you, some brushed you and some even looked at you with concerned expressions. But nobody stopped to ask you what's wrong. Nobody cared that much.  
Breathing in deeply you tried to calm yourself.  
 _"You can do it"_ was what you told yourself but nobody better than you knew that it was lie.  
You dried your tears with the end of your sleeve before you continued moving.

_Up, forward, down. Repeat._   
_Again and again and again and again._

You pressed the book to your chest, not wanting to drop it again as you maneuvered through the streets. Your eyes were no longer fixed on the ground, now they looked up. But this also required strength. You did not want to face the people on the street, to see their judgmental stares, their disgust. They could sense it, you didn’t know how but you knew they were aware of what you had done, what had happened to you. However, with your head high you no longer were in danger of being bumped into. Just ignore the stares, just let everyone be invisible to you now.

_"Just breathe."_  
You tried to breathe in deeply but it made you sob instead.

_"Don't cry."_  
Again you dried the waterfalls from your eyes with the sleeve of your shirt as you moved on.

_"Just breathe."_  
You inhaled slowly and even though the air stuttered over your lips you did not sob this time and the tears finally stopped spilling over the edge of your eyes. Just in time as you reached the shop you were looking for. You wanted to smile in relief but the small spark of happiness in you suffocated in the endless sea of guilt and grief.  
 _"Please don't be there. Please don't be there"_ you begged silently. But you couldn't see his car near the store so maybe you were lucky just for once.  
Sighting you opened the huge, wooden doors. Immediately you could smell the old books that sat in high shelves. It was an old scent that somehow felt comforting to you. Like enjoying a hot cup of tea on the sofa during Christmas with all your beloved relatives beside you while kids were screaming in joy and playing with their new toys. Slow Christmas songs played in the background and the only light in the room came from the tree. It felt like home. You looked around, wanting to meet everyone but as soon as your eyes caught a glimpse of them everyone vanished. Everyone expect one person that still sat beside you. You didn’t dare to look up because you knew who that person was. A voice was audible and you knew it was him. _“Don’t look, don’t look!”_ Then that someone touched your arm.  
Your head jerked around but you were no longer sitting on a sofa, you were standing in the doorframe again. You were relieved.  
A small bell rang, its clear tone hallowed through the great room and informed the owner about the new customer arriving. Not a second later you could see the blond man's head sticking out between the many shelves of antique books. At first he didn't seem to register that someone entered and he looked confused around but after he spotted you a big smile formed on his lips as he walked towards you. With an uneasy feeling inside your chest you returned his smile but it felt forced.

"Is he here?" you asked in a hushed voice. Aziraphale shook his head, which made you breathe out in relief.  
"I'm sorry if I came in an inconvenient time for you" you said as an uncomfortable feeling washed over you. Something wasn’t right. You had to get away quickly.  
"Don't worry, (Y/N). You could never bother me" the blond said. You nodded, not able to do anything else. The odd feeling was getting stronger by the second. Quick, do what you are here for. You have to get away.  
"I'm just here to return the book you gave me" you looked at the book you had clutched to your chest all this time. The book you didn’t want anymore. You handed it to Aziraphale and he took it from you with a confused expression. "Why is that?" You gulped.

"I don't need it anymore."

You wanted to be strong. You didn't want to cry in front of him. But after you said those word reality finally seemed to kick in. Tears began to roll down your cheeks as you suppressed your sobs by pressing your hands against your mouth. Aziraphale didn't have to think long, he realized what had happened in an instant. He let the book fall carelessly to the ground which landed on its back and hugged you instead. Your body trembled, you couldn't return his hug. Instead you looked over his shoulder at the ground. The only thing you could see through the curtains of tears was the book, a pregnancy book. You cried even harder now.  
Gone.

You were so broken, so empty, too focused on your pain, the pain inside you, that you didn't even notice Aziraphale leading you to the table. He sat you down and stood beside you, rubbing your shoulder. The pain, the guilt, the emptiness. How would you ever live with it? You looked up, searching for the eyes of your friend.  
"Azi, I can't do this" you whisper even though you didn't really know what you meant by it yourself. "At first... at first" your hiccups became even stronger. You had to stop talking to focus completely on your breathing but no matter how hard you tried to breathe in deep and slow, no air seemed to fill your lungs. The blond kneeled down in front of you, he held your hands in his and looked up to you. His touch somehow seemed to calm you after a while. You were certain that he had some angelic trick up his sleeve that he had used on you. But you weren't angry, you were grateful. Finally you could breathe again, finally the panic washed away. However, the guilt stayed.  
"Can you feel it?" you quietly asked the angel somehow afraid of his answer. He nodded. He could sense the emptiness inside you. Your head began to spin again. Real, it was real. Not a dream. You wished it were one of your nightmares again, that everything was just a big ongoing nightmare. Before you could lose yourself in your panic again you focused on Aziraphale's touch. It calmed you, grounded you.  
"Do you know why? Why they took them from me?"  
You knew he didn't, how could he, so him shaking his head didn't affect you that much.  
"I know the reason, Azi" you said. Your eyes drifted to somewhere else in the room, they no longer lingered on the blond angel. But whatever laid in your field of vision, you didn't register it.  
"The sadness inside me killed them. After he said those words to me..." you didn't finish your sentence but you did not have to. Aziraphale knew what you meant. You knew what you meant.

_"I don't care. I don't ... love you."_  
His words circled inside your head over and over again. They hadn't left you since he said them to you. After that, everything spiraled out of control.

_"He doesn't love me, doesn't love me, doesn't love."_

You sobbed again.  
"Apparently I wasn't punished enough for loving him" you began and searched for Aziraphale's eyes to calm you down again but this time it not even his firm touch seemed to work. "Apparently I wasn't punished enough by him leaving me."  
The angel stood up and hugged you again.  
"Don't say something like that, (Y/N)."  
"But it's true" your voice was barely audible.

No one said a word after that even though you felt uncomfortable in the silence. But you felt even more uncomfortable while talking. It made everything so real. Instead you focused your mind on the sounds from outside: The steady buzzing of the cars, the voices of some pedestrians, the wind tearing on the corners of the building. You grounded yourself in a reality that didn't hurt that much.

Then the tiny bell above the door rang and attracted the attention of you and the angel. Azi turned towards the newcomer while you still looked at the ground, your back facing the entrance.  
"Hey, angel it seems like you dropped something."  
In an instant you sat straight and tense on the chair. That voice. Your body trembled again. Your head was spinning. That voice belonged to him.  
Why? What did you do to deserve this? Why did you have to be confronted with him today? Aziraphale stood up and positioned himself in front of you in a protective manner. But the loss of his touch made you panic even more now.  
"Crowley" he said and made it sound like a warning. You turned around as well, not really knowing why but you regretted it the moment your eyes met. He still looked the same with his wild, red hair, black clothes and his dark sunglasses but you weren't surprised. It was the first time after weeks that you saw him again. Why would he change it that short amount of time. But you had changed. He caught your eyes and stared right back at you. Why did he have to show up today of all days. Your tears were back in an instant which made you break the eye contact. You had to get away. Get away now. You could hear their voices but you couldn't understand what they said.

_"Stand up, get up. Get away."_

You followed the instructions of your thoughts that were screaming like an alarm. With a jerk that made the chair shriek you stood up. Azi and Crowley fell silent, their eyes laid on you now.  
"Tha-thank you for listening to me, Azi, but I sh-should go now." You dropped your gaze, not wanting to see his face anymore. You tried to walk around them but were held up by fortunately not by Crowley but Aziraphale. He looked at you, sorrowful and concerned.  
"If you need anything just tell me, okay?" he said. Nodding you smiled at him. "Thank you, Azi." Then he finally let you go. Your eyes drifted to the demon in black. He was looking at you, you knew it even though you couldn't see his eyes through the black tinted sunglasses. Slowly he opened his mouth but that only made you leave faster. You had nothing to say to him and you didn't want to hear anything he would say to you. "Bye" was the last thing you croaked out in Azi’s direction before the doors closed behind you.

____________________________________________

Crowley turned towards Aziraphale a few seconds later after you had left the store still a little surprised and confused. To his surprise the angel was looking at him with anger filled eyes, something the demon had never seen by his angelic friend before. "What?" he asked and shrugged with his shoulders, the book still in one hand. The angel turned away from him and sighted disappointed and rather sad. "I don't have anything to say to you."  
Crowley groaned in annoyance and follow Aziraphale to the table, setting the book down and taking a seat himself. "Why was she here?" The demon was only met with silence. "Angel" he growled, now really frustrated. Azi turned around to face the red haired demon, a defeated look on his face. You were a good friend to him and he never wanted to see you get hurt but now you were. And of all things Crowley, his oldest and best friend, was the one to hurt you. He felt conflicted.  
"What Crowley? Why do you think she was here?" Aziraphale pointed to the book Crowley had put down on the table. With one eyebrow raised high the demon looked down.  
"A pregnancy book." Maybe Aziraphale had just imagined it but Crowley's voice somehow sounded troubled but not in an understanding way. Crowley seemed to be rather conflicted himself. The red haired man looked up again. The angel couldn't see his eyes but by the position of the demons eyebrows he could see that he was still confused. The blond knew he probably shouldn't say it but he did either way. It somewhat had been his, too.  
"She lost the child, Crowley."

Silence. Crowley couldn't believe what Azi just said but nobody better than him knew that he wouldn't lie. He looked at the book again. That's why she gave it back. She didn't need it anymore. He finally seemed to understand.  
"She lost the child?" Crowley's voice broke at the end of the sentence out of shock. From all things he never thought this would happen, that he would be confronted with that today. "Are you sure?"  
Azi nodded after the demon's eyes had found his again.  
"I felt it."  
Abruptly Crowley stood up and walked towards the door. He didn’t even know why, his body seemed to work on its own.  
"What are you doing?" Azi asked confused and followed the demon a little slower.  
"I have to talk to her."  
Aziraphale sighted and ran to the door to block it. He had to talk to Crowley first before he decided to do something stupid.   
"I don't think she wants to see you, old friend."  
Crowley clenched his fist and paused before Aziraphale. His jaw was tense as he tried to catch his raging breath.  
"It was my child as well, angel!" he roared. It was the first time he had said it out loud.  
"Do I have to remind you that you left her rather harsh and sudden?" Azi crossed his arms before his chest. The angel, normally rather thoughtful and calm didn’t know what to do. Maybe he should have shut his mouth earlier. But Crowley was his best friend. He wanted to help him fix everything but Azi didn’t know why the raid haired man had left you in the first place. Crowley hadn’t explained it to him and you had just rambled about it once before rather shaken up. He didn’t know what really had happened and in what order.  
"Aziraphale move away from the door." But the angel stood still, unmoving like a mountain. He knew you were definitely not ready to see Crowley today.  
"Crowley, what is it you want to achieve?"  
The demon paused, this time because of his conflicting emotions. Looking to the ground he thought about it.  
"I don't know, angel" he said and looked up again. "But I need to fix this somehow." And with that he scraped by and left Aziraphale and the shop behind before the angle could express his concerns. Defeated he watched as his friend left his store. Oh, he hoped he did the right thing with telling Crowley what had happened. Sighting he got back to work, there was nothing else left for him to do.

____________________________________________

You had managed to suppress the tears in your eyes until you arrived in your apartment. But after you had closed the door you now longer could contain yourself. Biting down on one hand to stifle your cries you sank to the floor, back pressed against the door. Your shoulders shook violently, your heart seemed to explode. The pain in your chest stretched out till it reached every last inch of your body. It hurt, it burned. All that guilt, pain, grief. It was all too much. How could you live on? How could you ever move on?

_"He left me. They left me. It's my fault."_

There was no one to ease your pain. Of course, Aziraphale wouldn't hesitate if you asked him for anything, he was a good friend to you but Crowley was his oldest friend. You didn't want to be the one to destroy their friendship. You weren't worth it.

_"All my fault, not worth it."_

Forcing yourself to stand up even though your body was still shaking you walked towards your kitchen with unsure steps. Filling a glass with water you drank it in one go to soothe the pain inside. It was an attempt that failed miserably. The only thing you achieved was almost choking because of your erratic sobs. You slammed the glass down on the counter, a little surprised it didn't shatter, and sank down on the floor once again. Was your punishment finally over? Your punishment for loving a demon? You begged. You begged for whoever did that to you to finally let you be. You have learned your lesson.

_"Please, just make the pain disappear."_

You pressed your knees against your chest and laid your head on them. Why did he leave? Why did they have to go? Why did you have to be confronted with him today? Not knowing exactly why you started to pound your head against the cabinet you were leaning on and proceeded to do it. Again and again and again. You carried on until you had no tears left to cry and no sounds left to scream. Your head was spinning and hurting now, unsurprisingly, but it somehow didn't bother you. It distracted you from the greater pain you felt ever since he left. You were an empty shell. A sunken shadow on the kitchen floor.

_"No purpose. No right. My fault."_

The ticking of the clock across from you echoed in your head. It confirmed the emptiness you had felt all day, all week. Empty.  
Your fingernails were digging deep into the flesh of your stomach. It was like an instinct. It was a habit you adopted since the doctors had confirmed it. You probably had deep cuts in your skin already but it didn't bother you. It was painful but it was nothing compared to the sorrow inside of you. The pain you couldn't get your hands on. For now digging your nails in your flesh and letting the pain wash over you felt somehow therapeutic. Your mind could finally focus on something different and it even made you somewhat sleepy, it made your mind relax, it made you focus on something else. 

But then the doorbell rang.  
The trance you had been in vanished in an instant which also meant that the atrocious pain was back. Confused you raised your head from your knees. You weren't expecting any visitors today but maybe it was the nice lady from next door. She knew what happened. She was just leaving her apartment when you walked down the corridor with tears streaming down your face. It was the day the doctor had confirmed it. You couldn’t help yourself you just had to tell someone.  
You tried to sit up but it took you a while. You had to hold on tightly to the cabinets and pull yourself up. Breathing heavily and with still shaking legs you made your way over to the door. You opened it, looked up and before the person behind it could speak up you closed it again instantly. Taking one step back you pressed your hand against your wildly beating heart. No, no, no, no, no. This couldn't really be him right now, could it?  
But the bell rang again. It sounded almost desperate but you probably just imagined that. You didn't know why you approached the door again cautiously. Your trembling hand hovered over the handle.

" _Stop. Don't."_

Your hand was shaking violently.

_"Why are you doing this?"_

You withdrew slightly, looked down on your hands. Then you pushed the handle down and opened the door once more. Behind it stood the only man you didn't want to see right now. Why had you opened the door?

"What do you want?"  
You were surprised that you managed to make your voice sound so cold and uninterested. The only thing that destroyed the picture of coldness were the very noticeable traces of your tears that had streamed down your face a few minutes prior. Maybe you shouldn't have opened the door, only seeing him standing before you made you weak and tremble in sadness. _"Don't cry."_

"Can I come in?" he asked while running his fingers through his hair. The tension of his forehead was very noticeable, even for you who hadn't been able to read him much before.  
"What do you want?" you asked again and pronounced every single word. You felt your arms getting stiff. _"Bad idea, bad idea, bad idea."_  
Crowley furrowed his eyebrows, thinking about what he should say to you. His head was slightly moved away from you as if he was looking down the corridor. Crossing your arms in front your chest you waited for his answer, one eyebrow raised high. Finally Crowley looked at you and opened his mouth: "Aziraphale told me what happened."  
Once again you shut the door in Crowley's face. Anger you could no longer control was bubbling inside you like magma in an active volcano. But the anger wasn’t targeted on Azi, you were angry with yourself. And Crowley. How dare he coming to your apartment after everything?  
"(Y/N), please listen to me" echoed through the door. You could almost see him raising his arms in annoyance on the opposite side.  
"Leave me alone!" you screamed not able to contain your fury any longer. Hands pressed flatly against the sides of your skull you tried to calm yourself.  
 _"He won't bother me anymore"_ was what you muttered to yourself repeatedly like a mantra while you walked back in the direction of your kitchen. Just let him rot in front of your door. You didn’t need him.  
Suddenly the door opened on its own and hit the wall. You turned around in surprise and confused anger, dropping your arms in the process. Of course, he wouldn't let you be. Of course, he knew how to open a door with his cheap demonic tricks.  
"Let me explain" he said and desperately reached his hand out to you to prevent you from backing away. Of course, you didn't fall for it. If anything it made you retreat even more.  
"I don't want to talk to you!" you yelled. The rage in your eyes was unmistakable. Somehow you were amazed that you stayed angry and did not falter. Because you could feel the sadness inside you. The longing that tried to drew you to him.  
Crowley lifted his sunglasses up a bit to pinch the bridge of his nose in frustration before letting it fall back to its previous position.  
"(Y/N), please just listen-"  
"No."  
The demon gritted his teeth. Obviously trying to contain his own anger and failing miserably.  
"You are unreasonable!"  
Your jaw dropped. Not knowing how to act, not knowing what you should respond to that you just stood there completely shocked for a few seconds. Was he serious?  
"I'm unreasonable?" you snarled while narrowing your eyes to small slits.  
"Yes!"  
You were utterly baffled. He dared to knock at your door and then charge into your apartment like he owned the place to accuse you of being unreasonable.  
"Get out of my apartment." You never sounded so cold-hearted in your life before. You almost didn't recognize your own voice. Using the little strength you still had in you to walk towards him, to no longer back down, you pushed him hard. You pushed him so hard he even stumbled a few steps back. You had never been able to do that. But the mere thought of him blaming you made you angrier than you had ever been in your life before.  
"Stop acting like a child and just for once listen to me" he howled.  
"I was listening. I know what you said to me a few weeks prior because I listened to you before and I listen to you know. But I don't want to hear any of it" you said and continued to walk towards him, hands clenched to fists. Crowley backed away slowly, hands held before him in a protective manner to calm you down. It didn't work.  
"You storm into my apartment and think you can blame me?" your voice became hoarse from the constant screaming but you couldn't stop. After weeks of silent mourning you no longer had the will to lower your voice. Not for him. "I don't think I was the one who ended this. I don't think I was the one who left. I give you one last chance to explain yourself, explain why you are here or leave now and never come back." You paused after those last few words, you no longer walked towards Crowley. Something inside you seemed to have broken. Something inside you made you realize what those words meant. Never come back. Your fists unclenched. You said those words and meant what you said. At least your anger did but what about the rest. Did you really want him to leave? Forever? Something in your heart still ached for him. Some parts of you still loved him.  
"Now speak" you demanded your voice no longer angry and powerful. Crowley looked at you, he had stopped backing away once you had stopped walking towards him. And it was the first time he saw you utterly defeated. He wanted nothing more than to hold you, hug and protect you. But he couldn't do that, he was the one who caused you all this pain. He had to stay distant.

"Why didn't you tell me?"  
You looked up again. You examined his face that didn't show any emotions at the moment. "You want to know why I didn't tell you?" you asked. "Because you said you didn't care. And apparently you don't care now" you made yourself sound angry again. You had to stay angry so it wouldn't hurt as much. You had to protect yourself.  
He looked at you and you instantly knew what he was about to say. You've seen it before but not on him. It was always the same look they had when fighting with a partner. You saw it on the streets of London every single day.  
"Don't you dare" you warned him but he chose to continue either way.  
"It was my child as well!"  
You now longer had to act angry. Your real rage was back. Gritting your teeth you flared out your nostrils to calm yourself just enough to not jump forward and strangle him.  
"You don't have any right to say something like that", you growled in a dangerously low tone. "That child would have never been yours. You left me. You left us!"  
"I had a reason!" he said in such a manner he almost sounded bored. At least to your furious state. Maybe he was just annoyed or maybe he just tried to be distant. No matter what it was you only heard boredom in his voice.  
"I know" you huffed, crossing your arms before your chest again. "You told me your reason after I told you I was pregnant." Why were you still talking? Why didn't you toss him out already? Why did he have to make it so difficult for you?  
"Leave now" you said and turned away, continuing your way to the kitchen. Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry. He shouldn't see you cry even if it were tears of anger.  
"You don't."  
You stopped but didn't turn around to face him as you spoke: "What?"  
"You don't know the reason. Not the real one."  
Closing the eyes you focused on your breathing.

_"Calm down, don't cry. Don't worth it."_

Your body was shaking again even though you fought against it. It seemed to only make it worse. You no longer felt like a raging volcano, you felt like a quivering leave in a storm during autumn.  
"Enlighten me then" you said and turned around again to face the demon. You could feel the tears forming in the corners of your eyes.  
"What was the real reason for you leaving me?"  
Now the tears were streaming down your face again. You just couldn't play strong anymore. You weren't. You were weak and empty and broken.  
"There was no other solution. I never wanted to leave you, I don't want to leave you now but I have to" Crowley explained and shrugged his shoulders in defeat.  
"But why?" It still didn't make any sense to you. "Why do you have to leave when you don't want to?"  
The red haired demon stayed silent. Your anger had switched to confusion and now to frustration. Lazily lifting one arm you pointed towards the still open door. For a split second you feared that your neighbors might have heard you but that was the least important one from all your problems right now. And if the door would have been closed they would have heard your screaming either way. The walls here were like paper sometimes. One of the many reasons you often had spent time in Crowley's apartment. You shook your head to chase away those thoughts. Wrong time, wrong place. Would there ever be a right time again?  
 _"Stop"_ you thought to yourself. You shouldn't and couldn't think about that right now and ever again.

Crowley seemed to not have understood your demand or he chose to ignore it since he stood still like a statue. "Stupid, stubborn demon" you muttered to yourself. You had slightly turned away from the red haired man while pointing to the door but now you stood tall in front of him.  
"If you don't have anything else-"  
"Hell threatened me" he blurted out. His eyebrows were raised in concern and fear. At first he didn't seem to realize what he just said but it only took him a second or two. "Fuck" he grunted and put his head in his hands, covering his face. "I shouldn't have said that" he muttered quietly but you were still able to hear it. In an instant almost all of that rage and anger inside you evaporated. Now you mostly were concerned. "They threatened you?" your voice almost failed you as you spoke. "Why?"  
Crowley groaned and uncovered his face.  
"You know that after we prevented Armageddon, heaven and hell tried to execute us, Aziraphale and myself I mean." You nodded in understanding. He had told you that before. "And you had switched bodies, I know" you summed it up so Crowley would come to the point.  
"Well, a few weeks after that, Hustor decided to surprise me with a lovely visit." Normally you would have laughed about his sarcasm but now you only grew annoyed.  
"Cut to the chase, Crowley."  
He nodded as if to reassure himself. But it took him a few seconds to be able to continue. Battling with himself he clenched his fists and looked up. You knew he was looking right at you, that he made eye contact even though you couldn't see his eyes.  
"He said he had an important massage from hell for me" he paused and you almost thought you had to growl at him to speak up again. "They wanted me to know that even though they couldn't kill me, they could destroy everything I cared about." He fell silent after that again. You didn't blame him this time since you didn't know what to say at first either. It took you a while to find your voice again.  
"But why didn't you tell me that? We would have come up with a solution together. You didn't have to leave me right away!" you sounded angry even though you weren't really enraged anymore. You were anxious. A threat from hell shouldn't be taken lightly.  
Crowley gritted his teeth again. Maybe you weren't but he on the other hand was unmistakably angry.  
"You were there, (Y/N). Don’t you understand?" he began to yell again which made you flinch. "You were sleeping on the couch when he appeared on the TV screen. He saw you. He knew you existed so I couldn't save us with a witty lie. Not this time. They would torture you or, if they felt generous, kill you and let me watch if I couldn't come up with a solution!" He breathed in deeply, nostrils flared.  
"I didn't leave you right away. Do you really think I could leave you that easily? I couldn't, I was selfish. I waited for a whole week before I decided I had to break up with you even though I didn't want to but it was the only way to guarantee your safety."  
Crowley had begun to walk towards you again, all though this time you didn't have the energy to back away. In the blink of an eye he stood before you, holding your hands in his and his eyebrows raised high in insecurity. You hadn't known until now how much you had missed his comforting warmth.  
"But then you had to tell me you were expecting. And I knew that I had to do it now or I could never leave" he breathed in deeply before continuing, "You would have never been save with me around. You and our child. Don't you understand?"  
You didn't know what to say. He had a point, you knew that but there was still a part in you that felt betrayed and hurt. And then there was another part, the part that wanted him to hug you, to never let you go, to never leave, because even after all this pain you still cared for him deeply.

"And that's the reason why I have to leave you once more" he said and released your hands, leaving you cold again. He walked towards the door. _"No!"_ you thought. After all this he couldn't just leave again. You ran to the door and closed it before positioning yourself in front of it to prevent him from leaving.  
"You can't just leave me again after revealing all that" you said sternly even though you felt like breaking down right then and there.  
"Get out of the way, (Y/N)" he snarled. Somehow his hair seemed wilder now then only a few seconds before. It almost seemed to glow like fire, fitting his fiery rage. But you couldn’t tell if it was only a façade or not.  
"No, let us discuss this, please" you begged.  
"You are making this harder than it has to be" he growled in frustration. "Move."  
"No! Let us find another solution. There has to be another way! I won't let you leave. I won't let you toss me to the side like trash!"  
Suddenly he grabbed you by the collar and pushed you against the door. His sudden movement and body pressed against you squeezed every last bit of air out of you. Or maybe it was the shock that left you breathless. He didn't hurt you though, he never would do that but for a brief second you feared he would lift you up. That he would let you struggle to find your breath. Of course, he didn't do that. Your feet were still firmly planted on the ground but the fear inside your core stayed and paralyzed you.  
"There is no other way! Why can't you understand that? I'm trying to protect you! But you make it just so difficult" he raged and suppressed a scream as a desperate attempt to cover his own sadness with rage.  
"I don't want to believe that this is how it ends" you hiccupped, still trying to fill your lungs with new air after the shock from before. You were far too out of breath but you didn't dare to stay silent for too long in fear of him leaving while you tried to collect your thoughts.  
"I don't want you to leave. I want to find another solution ... with you" you tried to meet his volume with the same level of power but your words came out in only a whisper. Maybe it was better that way. Maybe he would calm down that way? But your hopes were crushed the moment he opened his mouth again. Crowley couldn't lose his anger now. Losing the rage would mean losing the battle. And even though he lost many fights to you before he couldn't lose this one. There was too much standing on the line.  
"How? What other solution? For Satan's sake, do you want to fight literal demons from hell? You wouldn't last a second!"  
"I would have had you!" you replied after you finally had found your voice again. You realized that you sounded quite childish and you also knew the fault in your words. But you couldn't let him go. They had to be another way even though you couldn't think of one right now. But Crowley's frustration only grew even more. His chest was heaving, his breath got rapid and his lips were compressed into a fine line.  
"What if you were alone? What if I wouldn't be there?" he asked. You opened your mouth but he didn't let you answer. "There was- There is no other solution."  
"I don't care" you cried out and closed your eyes, no longer able to look at your sorrowful glimpse through the reflection in his sunglasses. "I don't want to be alone" you confessed while small tears dropped from the corners of your eyes to the floor beneath you.  
Crowley wasn't able to hold his composure any longer. The pressure of his grip on the fabric of your collar lessened while his forehead leaned against the door only an inch beside you.  
"I don't want to live without you. I can't live without you. I can't." you babbled on between sobs. The only thought in your mind was if you stopped talking he would leave. You couldn't let that happen.  
"Please, don't leave me behind in the emptiness inside of me." When you had seen him earlier today in Azi's shop you had never thought you would confess that to him.  
"I don't want to be punished no more."  
You opened your eyes and looked up at the ceiling. Why couldn't you stop speaking?  
"They already took them away from me."  
There it was again, the hard punch of reality.  
"I don't want them taking you away from me as well."  
Your breathing hitched, apparently so noticeable that Crowley detached himself from the door to look at you in concern. But you couldn't meet his eyes. You didn't even try to calm yourself down now, you let the sobs control your trembling body. Why wasn't he saying anything? You could still feel his grip on you so he wasn't gone. But he didn't speak up. He left you alone in your spinning head and thoughts. It felt like eternity for your sobs to shift to small hiccups that from time to time made your chest jump in an attempt to suck in more air.

"Because I do care."

Who was speaking? Was that your voice? Where you the one talking? Somehow you didn't recognize it or realized that your mouth started to move. A thing you did realize was your gaze shifting to Crowley's face and your hands that were firmly pressed against the door before leaving the wood to remove the sunglasses from the demons face. And in the first time since many weeks you were able to see his yellow eyes again. The eyes that did freak you out at first but now you liked them more than anything else.

"Because I still-"  
"Stop" he lifted his eyes up to meet your gaze. "Please, don't say it, (Y/N). There is no good outcome for our situation. Don't make this harder for me, please."  
If the situation wouldn't be at so high stakes right now you probably would have teased him for begging you to stop. Crowley almost never begged. But now that made everything a lot more complicated. Were you the selfish one right now? Were you unreasonable like he had said before? You dropped his glasses on the ground to take his face into your hands instead. You caressed his skin like you had done so many times before, fingers dancing over his tense jaw and slight stubbles. He avoided your eyes, looked down on his hands still on you. You breathed in deeply to prepare yourself.

"I love you."

It hurt a little bit to say it after all the pain you had went through, some of it caused by Crowley, but, oh, if it didn't also feel absolutely freeing.  
The demon's eyes snapped back to you and you could see the same mixture of emotions you felt in them. Distance, love and joy and loss.  
"We can fix this" you breathed out and tried to sound hopeful. Even if you still felt the grief and guilt inside you, you wanted to sound hopeful for him.  
"Please, just stay with me."  
"What if they find you? What if I can't prevent them from taking you away?"  
You thought for a moment. Of course, were you terrified by the threat but not even hell could stand between the two of you. You wouldn't abandon him, and he wouldn't abandon you.  
"Then I will hold on to the thought of you" you said before thinking again. "You think they wouldn't harm me if you leave? Don't you think they would know why you would have done that?"  
Crowley groaned in frustration again. He had lost the fight, he knew it the moment he came in walking through the door. He knew in the moment he saw you at Aziraphale's bookshop that he could never leave you. He sighted and let go of you completely but still stood mere inches in front of you face.  
"I'm sorry" he whispered. "I'm sorry for leaving you. I'm sorry that..."  
He didn't finish his sentence and just place one of his hands against your stomach. You couldn't help but flinch and press yourself further into the door. You could feel the wetness in your eyes again and the bang of pain through your heart when he touched you there. Hurt, it still hurt. But at least he was there to ease your pain a little.  
"I know" you said and pressed your forehead against his. You tried to enjoy the warmth that radiated from him, the warmth you'd missed so much.  
"But I'm still worried" Crowley said with sad looking eyes.  
"You think I'm not worried?" you said. "I began to worry the moment you revealed to me that you are a demon. I worried about hell, I worried about us, I worried about you. And I still do." You couldn't help but chuckle, a defense mechanism to cope with the pain. "I thought that if you really were a demon, how you could love a mere human like me? Weren't you bored? Were you faking it?"  
Crowley sucked in the air, glancing to the floor, prepared to hear more accuses.  
"But then I wondered: If your feelings weren't genuine then you never would have told me the truth about you." The demon looked up again, a faint smile on his lips. Not the unmistakable grin of his, just a small, rather sad smile.  
"And then I realized that I don't have the time to worry so much. So I just enjoyed our time together. Whatever happens … happens. And if it's something bad we deal with it. And if hell tries anything... for what do I have an angel best friend and demonic boyfriend?" Now you both laughed, just softly and quiet so nobody other than the two of you could hear it. You barely ever heard him laugh so gently. It made you realize that if things would have been different he would have been a good father. Your laughter died down and after a while so did Crowley's. You looked up and only breathed for a few seconds to regain energy and control. During these seconds you could feel the demon’s worried stare on you. It made your heart flutter and ache at the same time.  
"I'm still afraid" you began. "And I'm still hurt. But that's not at all your fault, so maybe we could take it slow" you said after a few seconds of silence. Suddenly you were picked up and spun around the room. You held on to his arms which he put around your waist. You couldn't suppress the giggles in your throat that fought their way to the light. When Crowley stopped he didn't give you time to calm down. Before you knew it (your head was still spinning) his lips laid on yours and he was kissing you deeply. You kissed back as far as possible since you were still giggling like a child. Your heart skipped a beat, it seemed to explode and the pain you had felt all this long weeks finally washed away, or at least a part of it. It would still take you a while to cope with everything that happened. Crowley finally released you breathless after many seconds. The first thing you did was to playfully slap his arms.  
"I said to take to slow!" you complained but both of you knew you weren't completely serious.  
"I know" he said, his lips still only mere inches away from you. "If I weren't taking it slow we wouldn't still be standing in your living room." You smacked him again, this time a little harder but still in a playful way. "You bloody pig!"  
"Only for you" he responded with his typical grin.  
"I hope so for you, mister" you said with an equal grin on your lips. The both of you stayed like that for a little while before he released his grip on you. A little disappointed you let him go.  
"I have to go" he said. "But I promise I will be back."  
You nodded with a small smile: "I know."  
You walked to the door to open it for him, he followed you close behind. But before he walked through the doorframe he gave you a last kiss on the lips.  
"Tomorrow dinner at six?" he asked and turned towards you.  
"Tomorrow dinner at six" you confirmed and gave him his glasses you had picked up from the floor. He looked at you once more and smiled before putting them on so you could see his eyes one last time today before he began strolling down the corridor with his hands in his pockets. And as you closed the door you felt the grief inside of you again but it wasn't unbearable anymore. You felt like you had a purpose again, a right and a reason to be happy. And even though you knew the loss of your child would still hurt in the future, you also knew that it wasn't your fault. All your sadness hadn't killed you child and that was what made the pain bearable. And you would not have found that out without Crowley. And you were grateful for having him back.


End file.
